If you've never checked out Cedar Hill Ranch blog, you should. Anita @Cedar Hill Ranch recently mentions something very true that rang like a bell to me. She said,
"If you don't have a vision, how will you ever know when you've arrived?"
That's why today I repeat, mostly to myself,
"You gotta have a vision".
And someone much more famous than both of us said,
"The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision."
...Helen Keller.
I always have had vision, seeing the big picture and "having vision" is not my problem. You know, the ability to see beyond the mess to the possibilities.
What I have been struggling with lately is having a clear vision.
My view has become a little cloudy and I have been afraid to say this out loud,
"Is this really the place for me?"
and
"What good am I doing here all by myself?"
and,
as ridiculous as it sounds,
"How will I do all this when I'm 80?"
I had one clear vision when I first moved here to Le Farm.
It was fresh and new and I was unstoppable.
That vision has even evolved off and on a bit into a bigger dream until some larger obstacles recently started to appear.
(Not so unstoppable, it seems.)
...and then the doubt...the dreaded doubt, creeps in and starts to fester.
Doubt is hard to deal with when it is mainly involving your own abilities or rather, your own limitations. ("I AM WOMAN" ain't cutting it these days no matter how loudly I scream it.)
I have lived here for a year now. I know what it takes to run this place. It is no longer fresh and new. Have I gotten bored or just plain tired?
I remind myself of my blog entry, "How owing a farm is like having a newborn"...
This poor ol' momma is pooped and it doesn't look like I'll be able to take a nap any time soon.
Maybe it is just fear now that I realize the real reality of it all. It's really real.
There is no humdrum here.
It is all fast forward and I need to stay on top of everything or it runs away without me.
So, what's the problem?
The main issue is time. It takes time to do all that a farm requires. Right now, I have a demanding job that keeps me traveling almost every day. This job is wonderful and I'd like to keep it for the next 5 years if they keep paying me to do it.
I am finding that it's hard to do both. Something has to give and I have not been able to keep up as well as I thought I could here on the farm.
So, what is the answer?
My friends say that giving up the farm is nothing to be ashamed of, if you cannot enjoy it.
(I do still enjoy it. My heart says I'd be sorry if I did that.)
Decisions must be made to make my life here on Le Farm less "hard".
I decided to find a handyman that can come in with his tool belt and fix all the things I can't do.
And I may need to find someone to come and bush hog the field down, help me build the hoop house, prune the blackberry patch, etc.
Just coming up with solutions seems to take the load off a little.
I can breathe in the air of resolution.
I am going to take a big ol' breath.
Breathing in.....Breathing out.
"Are we there yet?"
